I am a control freak! I know that may be hard to believe (LOL) but I am and I have always wanted to know what was coming or what was ahead. I needed that sense of control. One thing I have learned though is that the sense of control is just that a sense. An illusion that we give ourselves to make us feel better. In the past when I wasn’t sure of the direction I was heading in then I would stop and reassess the situation and what I was doing. Whatever it took to get myself back on track and headed into the direction and path that I wanted.
Now I have no idea which direction I am headed in, where I will go and what will happen. There was a time in my life, not so long ago, that not knowing or being sure of myself would have scared me to death. I would have had to stop and get back where I wanted to be, get back into control. The truth was that forcing that control I forced my life into a pattern that it may not have needed to take. The stress that all of that caused me over the years is mind-boggling but that is okay.
Now I don’t care so much about the direction that my life is heading in. I am simply along for the ride and going to enjoy each and every moment. For the first time in my life I am living my life the way that I want. I always said I never wanted to come to the end of my life and have all this regret. Well there will be regret because there is regret in everyone’ life but there will also be the knowledge that I realized I needed to change and I did. A blurry future suddenly seems like the most wonderful aspect !