About Dying

When they told me I had chf (congestive heart failure), my doctor said that the best outcome we could hope for was five years. At the moment, they simply couldn’t give me more than that. The hope was for longer, and there are plenty of people who live longer than that, but he didn’t want to give me false hope. I struggled with that. I mean, I had a deadline all of a sudden. There was so much to do and so many plans that I needed to see to. I honestly wasn’t ready. I still am not, and I know that talking about death is taboo.

However, the fact remains that I am dying. Maybe not today, but it is coming. So talking about it today makes things a little easier. Maybe I will help someone else as well. One thing I know is that I am not ready to die. I have every intention of fighting my illness tooth and nail. I have already had some good test results in that length of five years if the next test goes well. It is a small start, but a start none the less. 

The other night, I was getting ready for bed and began thinking about this more. It is something you do when faced with the possibility of open heart surgery. I mean, that could go horribly wrong. So I made a little list of things I needed to take care of prior to the surgery, if I had to have it, just to be sure everyone was prepped. I sat down and wrote letters to all the important people in my life and put them in my lock box. Just in case, I drafted a post for the blogs. I wanted to be able to say goodbye in my own words. Although I admit that no one will know how to post it. I probably should have left instructions.

My Peace I Give You

Through all of this, I realized that I had made peace with dying. Somehow, through everything I learned, I learned that I am okay if that is the road God tells me to take. I never had peace about it before. I have been terrified and I found myself wondering if I was at peace with it because this is the end of the road. The next morning, I awoke with a renewed determination that this would not be the end of the road. Yet, knowing that I am okay in my soul if it isn’t I think that something that has been weighing me down and leaving me so afraid.

For the last year, I have journaled my journey nightly. It has helped me through some of the most difficult moments with this illness. In my journal, I have left instructions for my family to read after I am gone. It will give them a better sense of how at peace I am. I will say that there was a time when this would have led to suicide. It is one of my truths and the one my ex threatened to use against me in court to get custody of the kids. 

My own strength

That is another thing I have learned and noticed over the last year. I have found my own inner strength. especially in the last couple of months. I have no problem now saying no or I just can’t. When my ex-husband doesn’t want to let me talk to the kids, I simply remind him that he doesn’t have a choice. I will have no problem taking him to court because he was the one who abandoned us first. I didn’t leave my kids, he threatened to file for full custody. We ended up working out the arrangement we have now.

When my sister calls and begins to rant and rave about why I didn’t answer her right away, I remind her that our mother calls her daily and rarely, if ever, answers the phone at all. If she keeps on, I hang up. I no longer run to answer the phone or reply to every text message. I have a life just like everyone else. It sometimes takes all day for her to answer me, but you expect me to answer right away. Unless it is one of the kids, I respond at my convenience. 

As I have said, I know discussing death is taboo, but this is something that I felt I just needed to get out. I couldn’t sit down and write anything else until I wrote this. It was important in some ways, and while I know it is a bit rambled, it is just my thoughts at the moment. It is important to find your own inner peace. To know that your soul is well within you regardless of what is coming your way is a comfort. It is also something I have struggled to find my entire life until now. My prayer is that as I move forward in life, I am able to keep the peace I have.