I posted this article back in 2013 but i thought I would repost it along with some updates. Any of the updates are clearly marked. Being the caregiver to more than one person can be a difficult task and I’m not talking about your children. Once your parents get older you find that you are the one taking care of them more and more.
Being the caregiver can be one of the most difficult jobs ever! It is not something that you go into lightly and once you are the caregiver you may find it very hard to untangle yourself. I am the primary caregiver for not only my mother but several other relatives. There are moments when all I want to do is walk away from it all but sometimes you just can’t.
The worst part is when they pass away. You are left feeling as though you didn’t do the right things or maybe if you had helped more. I am the one who makes all the doctor’s appointments, handles all the bills, and make sure everyone’s meds are refilled and they are being taken. I cannot tell you the stress that all of that alone causes.
Update #1
At the time of this article I was the caregiver to two uncles. One had passed away just before this and I was left dealing with all sorts of things. While I handled my father’s funeral when he died I learned the difference from having a plan and not. All the planning my father did made my task so much easier. When my uncle passed away he had no sort of plan, no children or spouse, nothing. Just the family and they couldn’t help make a decision. Although many decided they wanted the credit for the work. Int he end i had him cremated because he told me once he wanted that. My aunt took his ashes and it wasn’t until after she passed away that my mother and uncle (his siblings) were able to get them.
Caregiver Sanity
Yes there are moments when I feel as though I am losing my sanity and my hubby would much rather I did a lot less. The problem is that I don’t always know how to say no or that I just can’t do it. So how do I keep my sanity? Sadly there are moments when I don’t think I am keeping my sanity. I cry a lot when I am alone in the shower just to get it all out. It helps and I am able to pick myself up and go on.
I have recently discovered (yes I should have already known) that for the majority of those I care for it is not my place to be their caregiver. My one aunt for example has several children one of whom lives in the house with her. Yet I am the one who has been doing all the work. So I have taken a step back in order to concentrate on my family and work more.
Update #2
The aunt mentioned above passed away three years ago this November. I did take a step back from doing all of her care giving and I will say I had an enormous amount of guilt after she died. The grown son she had living in the house with her didn’t help her much. In fact, I’m certain his lack of help and care is one of the reasons she went downhill. I did step back in a help a little here or there. It is hard to care for someone when you other people telling you how to do it or what you need to do. Such as don’t pay all of the bills. They had their own agendas and after talking with my therapist I realized stepping away was the best thing I could have done. If I hadn’t I would have ended up in all the drama that followed her death. I miss her as she was always a funny person. She loved to go out and eat which is a hobby we shared.
One of the most important things I have learned over the years being someone else’s caregiver is that you have to be able to taken proper care of yourself too. You have to be able to say no or say that you don’t think you can handle something. There is no shame in it. It will help make you a better caregiver in the long run.
Are you the caregiver for someone? How do you keep your sanity? Let us know in the comments below.
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My sister and I are taking care of our father who is 82. He has dementia, and I know what you feel like! I can not take care of every single problem that they have. I have been helping my sister, but mostly my sister does it for over 4 years. You know what makes me so mad! That there are 5 other children and they will not lift a finger to help!! That is so wrong. I am my sister really want to put my Father in a home, but we just can’t. We love him, and want the best for him. So do I cry sometimes from all the stress! Yes!
I think being a caregiver and having that overbearing responsibility (on top of other responsibilities) can really have the potential to become a very tiring process that will eventually lead to burnout. There is only so much that the human body can handle. You can start each day with enough energy to make it through and do your best to accomplish everything that needs to done, but like you said, it really does become an extra toll on your mind, body and your overall ability to function if you start to feel overwhelmed. All of this then may lead, or already be causing lots of stress. I think when you are having thoughts that make you wonder how much more you can handle is when you need to take some action to relieve yourself. It won’t help anyone (especially the person you are caring for), if you, the supposedly healthy person, is not able to live healthy yourself. I think you are owed that much in undertaking any task.
When I was still in my 20’s, widowed with a small son, I was closest to my grandmother who was developing dementia by then. Her kids–my dad and aunt–lived 30 mins away. Each had large homes and were financially comfortable. I was by myself with a toddler. I cared for her as much as I could, but her dementia was becoming something that needed a lot more. I called my dad several times trying to tell him what was happening. He would stop by for an hour here and there and see nothing wrong–her home was tended to (I did that) and she seemed okay to him. It was not til she wrecked her car and several along her street that he took me seriously and stepped in. Now, of course, I think that I should have done more–even though at the time I just couldn’t. I think the role of caregiver is the hardest job.
I have not had to be a caregiver yet, I can only imagine how tough this would be especially for someone that already has their own family to take care of. I am sure this is a problem that many families face as their parents and other family members are aging.
Boy oh boy this is a tough one. I have had to do a lot for my mom. I am the one who goes to all her doctor appointments, takes care of her meds, and all the other things that go with having an older parent. It can be beyond frustrating when she won’t help me help her. There are times I feel like I am wasting my time because she won’t do what she needs to do. I try to be stay calm but there are times I could scream from the roof tops. Then I calm down and remember that she is my mother and she did all these things for me as a child. My only wish is that my brother and sisters would step up to the plate also.