Better Off Without Me

I will freely admit that there have been moments in my life when I thought that very thing. that my family and those around me would be better off if I was no longer here. They didn’t need me to keep messing up their lives. Of course, from the outside looking in you would have thought I was crazy. It looked as though I had it all and there was nothing “wrong”.

I swore up and down that if I wasn’t there to forget the clothes in the dryer for two days or forget that early appointment and wake up hours later than we needed to, they would be better off. If I wasn’t there to yell at my daughter or argue with my mother over what’s for dinner (because having to make another decision made me want to pull my hair out), they would be better off without me. If I wasn’t around to mess things up, my ex would have been faithful. To put it simply, everyone in my life would be better off if I was dead.

There was a point where I attempted to end it all and make these thoughts a reality. In fact, more than once. Looking back I can see now how warped my thinking was. How much I allowed myself to fall into my depression and I would love to tell you that I haven’t had those thoughts since those dark times.

The truth is that depression can sneak up on you. I will never be “cured” of it and although most days are much brighter now there are still moments when the doubts sneak in. Moments where I wonder if I had managed to do what I set out to do would my family be happier? Before I get the million emails, yes I know just how selfish that sounds and is. It is not the way to make things better.

On the Edge

When those thoughts and moments arise it feels like I’m standing on the edge and jumping off is the best idea ever! Logically, I know that is not the case and when those thoughts come up I call my therapist and schedule an emergency appointment. They don’t happen as often now.

Yet, recently I had a serious case of them.It seemed like nothing was going the way I planned. Bills were piling up (even though they weren’t it just felt that way), and I felt like I couldn’t get ahead. Not just with the bills but with work, life, you name it. It was the middle of the night and I swear my soul was screaming at me to end it. Everyone and everything would be better.

I spent the entire night arguing with myself like a nut. It was during one of the arguments that I just said stop! Enough was enough. I had no intention of following through on anything the depression was wanting. I am more than my depression and it’s okay to just have a bad day (or night.) I know that by sharing this story many of you will question my sanity and if I should be a parent. That’s the thing about mental illness, it makes the whole world question you. It can leave you isolated and judged and not always in a good way.

Having these thoughts doesn’t make me less than. They make me human, they are a symptom of my mental illness. A symptom I almost gave into in the past. Today I am stronger and can get beyond these thoughts with help and my own will to be better. One of the most important things I do for myself is remember that I am not alone in this fight. That no one will better off without me, I have a purpose. It may seem cliché and simple but it works for me.

Remember if you or someone you know has thoughts like these reach out and get the help you (or they need). Sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone helps more than you can ever know.