For those of you who don’t follow me all the time I am, for lack of a better word separated. My husband left us for work months ago but things got out of hand and well I don’t know where my marriage stands at the moment. If it was just me that would be fine but when there are children involved it gets a bit harder. Especially when you have multicultural children.
What that means is that I now have to represent both cultures in our children’s daily lives and make sure that they don’t fall prey to the typical stereo-types that come with some separations. For example the big one is that many members of my family say things like “That is how Mexican men are, you shouldn’t have expected anything else.” When the truth is that is NOT how all they all are and while part of me wants to blame him for everything I am not blameless. It takes two people to allow a marriage to fall apart.
I want my children to love and understand their Mexican culture and not be faced with anything negative. So what can I do? The truth is not much. People will say whatever and the kids are going to hear it. All I can do is explain to them that we both love them. Their father calls and talks with them, has even come to see them. My wish is that the world was a bit kinder.
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You’re right. People will have their opinions…people gossip. And some are downright mean. I have been in the midst of a family crisis many years ago in a small town. People either avoided you like the plague and didnt want to get involved, or they gossiped and judged. I found a lot of what looked to be Godless people in our community, and I found those that were supportive and protective. You are such a good mom…take such lengths to protect and keep your family going. You will be rewarded someday.
And I dont know alot about the Mexican culture with men, but there are these men in every race and culture. Not sure how they got that way but I suspect some bigger egos or simply just not being responsible in the sense that to care for family means to be true to all of them and work hard to stay a family. Many dont get that…too selfish. Yes, it often takes both in a marriage to make a good one, and a bad one. Most just hope for something inbetween. No one is perfect. But it does often take just one to leave or give up. And that is not fair. I am so glad you are rising above this and thinking like a responsible adult…taking care of the kids that need someone who is steady and stable. Your’e awesome!
Thank you for thinking I am awesome. I am doing the best I can. Looking back I think we just were headed in different directions.
“That is how Mexican men are, you shouldn’t have expected anything else.” is a horrible thing for them to say. White, black, Latino etc have seperations and divorces. I dont think it is limited to one race!
All you can do is no matter how angry you are with him, always bite your tongue and he should do the same for the kids sake.
*hugs*
There are days when I think I am going to bite it in half but I won’t say anything bad about him in front of them. They will never hear a bad word from me because I don’t want them to remember that when they get older.
Rita,
I pray for strength for you and your family. Keep being open with your kids and let them know that there is going to be a rough time ahead and that others will say things that they know are not true. But God knows the truth and your family.
Virtual hugs,
Diana C
Thank you Diana. You are right I have to be as open and honest with them as I can be.
There isn’t much I can say to this that I haven’t already told you. I do think those kids are lucky to have a mom like you to help them through this situation. Whether your husband realizes it or not, you are perfect as you are. I just want you and the kids to be happy.
I know that you do. You are a great friend and I am lucky to have you.
That is tough. I am sorry.
Thank you
It’s wonderful that you are keeping the children’s best interests in mind at such a difficult time. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of letting others bad mouth your ex, but letting children hear a parent be spoken ill of is not good for anyone. I’ve been thinking of you and wishing for the best.
Thank you Jean. No it is not good for them to hear him being spoken ill of. I don’t want other people’s opinions to influence their relationship with him.
I’m sorry. The kids are lucky to have you to keep both cultures for them. I don’t know why some people have to be so mean and petty. Take care of yourself, too.
I am taking care of myself. People are people and I have found that many like to say mean things because they can.
I am sorry you have to go through this, men leaving their families is not just a Hispanic thing this problem runs across all races. It is unfortunate that cultural stereotypes exist at all. You are right they do exist and there will always be someone that likes to talk about them or mention them. If everyone chose to not say them, or just keep them in your head they would not exist. I try not to say any myself.
Before I married I never noticed how often stereotypes were used. Now I realize how much hate people can have. It is sad that this is the world we live in.
I think you are doing what’s right for your children. In the end that’s the best any of us can do. You are trying to make sure they know that they are loved and it has nothing to do with them. I know there will be people that will say bad things but I hope that they think before they speak in front of innocent children. I wish the world was kinder. You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you Tammy. I am doing what I feel is best for us.
I am sorry. That is horrible for anybody to say.
It is horrible but that is how people are.
Reminding the kids that both parents love them is important.
I agree it is important that they know that
I’m floored with the venom that people stew, there’s too much hatred in the world, I pray that they find God and change their ways, the only thing that I can control is myself and my family, I have taught my girls to love everyone and to stay positive, everyone deserves to be loved!
It is good that you taught your girls that. I pray that the world changes as well.
Im soo sorry you have to deal with this. I know the stereo-type all too well my dad abandoned me and my mom when i was 3 and being hispanic it was thought to be a “regular” occurrence. All you can do is allow him to be as much of a part of their lives and let them know that you both love them. There are a lot of people out there who are so unkind and we have to teach our kids to kill them with kindness even though whatever they say may hurt us.
Thank you Betty. I made sure that he knew no matter happened between us the kids would never suffer in any way because of it.
Sorry that you are going through this but there are allot of males be it husband or boyfriend that carry this trait.
Thank you Ginette. You are right and I hate to say it but I think with him it is a learned trait. His parents divorced and he never spoke much about his father. In fact I know very little about him but I get the impression that he wasn’t around much.