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A Cracked Soul

That is how my soul has felt for so long. Like it has cracked right into. The funny thing is that I made the decision to sort of bury hope and everything away. I did that to help free myself of the hurt. It was easier to push it all down and not think about it. Doing so meant I could function because the hurt was finally put away where it needed to be. I had even begun to be happy again. Maybe not as happy as I was in the past but those small little glimmers of happiness.

Work of course suffered and I still feel as though I have not done all the things I should be doing with work. It is a work in progress (no pun intended) and I am getting there. There were things that I stopped doing all together because it hurt too much to do them. The memories behind them, the hope for the future in them. Now I am not saying that any of this was the right way to go about but it was the only way I could finally manage. Then slowly a week here, a week there and the cracks around my little box and within my soul began to burst.

Over the weekend that band-aid was finally ripped off and there were two very strange days. Saturday night I broke down and cried again over everything. Then I got angry at myself. Angry because I shed tears for some things that I swore I would never shed another tear over. Things that no longer deserved my tears. Sunday evening I said three words that I swore I would never say again either. The thing is I couldn’t help myself. They came out and betrayed me before I could stop them. No my cracked soul is cracked wide open and I honestly am not sure how I feel about that.

Rita
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I live in a small Georgia town that you most likely have never heard of and I LOVE it! My house is more than full as I am a single mother of four & caregiver to my aging mother and uncle. Lover of all things Outlander. Goes to the beat of her own drum woman.

Comments

  1. Maybe you needed your soul to finally crack all the way open so you could go through the grieving steps. No one is strong enough to keep everything in. You have had a very rough year and you need to get it out. I am a believer that you have to get things out in order to heal and move on. It may not be how you wanted things, but it is how they are. You will find a silver lining once you can move on.

    • You are right Tammy it is how things are. They are still confused but I feel better, maybe not happy and whole but better at any rate.

  2. I’m sorry you have been going through difficult times, I will continue to pray for you. How else can I encourage you?

    Proverbs 24:14 Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

    Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

  3. Sorry to hear that you’re having these difficult times, I’ll pray for you to have some peace in your life, 🙁

  4. Rita I know this year has been very tough on you. Sometime I think when you stuff your emotions down it will only be a matter of time until they surface. I know it will sounds simple but time does have a way of healing wounds, maybe you just need to give yourself more time. God wants to do amazing things for his followers so we can give him the glory. It doesn’t always happen right away but when it does it is amazing. I pray that God would give you comfort in this difficult time.

    • Thank you Denise. Like I said things are getting better and maybe I really needed this in order to move forward.

  5. Life can be tough – we are all faced with obstacles and unfortunately hard times. Countless tears are shed and the ever longing want to understand/analyze and fix it. Always trying to knock down walls instead of flowing with God’s will. I guess the one thing that I’ve learned from blessed friends in my life – don’t think that you NEED TO BE FIXED. You are God’s creation “You are wonderfully made”- find comfort in that phrase and as you stated “Trust In God”. Baby steps. We’re all in it together …God bless and comfort you and your family.

    Eva Mitton-Urban

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