Here we are on day 5 of the 25 Days of Me and this one is fairly known here on the blog but not all of the details. My relationship with my ex is strained at best these days. I would love to say when are mature adults and have a wonderful relationship. We don’t! Although I do my best to not say ugly things. Some days it is rather hard.
I would also love to say that it wasn’t always that way. It wasn’t in the very beginning but within the first year things began to change. I loved him and allowed a lot of the abuse that happened to me. I thought that when you married it meant to accepted their faults. So I allowed him to change me until I became the person I am today.
Someone who has no idea who she is. That is on me. His part is not only the abuse but also the way he handled the marriage. He never really wanted to be married and that is something I truly believe. If he did he would have never done half of the the things he did. He spent most of our marriage having affairs. When I found out about them he would apologize, say he was never going to do it again. It was a mistake and all of the other crap. We would go to counselling and speak with our priest.
Things would be good again for a while and then they weren’t. It was almost always my fault that he strayed from our marriage. If I was thinner, if I was more attentive, if I was more or less whatever he wanted at that moment in time.
In the end we divorced and I will say it has been a long road. Wait I should say it wasn’t just a hey we need to divorce. It was a text message from him after he went out of town for work. You know cause that is the way to end a marriage and all. I’m not as bitter as I was trust me. I’m still more angry at myself for being so stupid about things. For staying as long as I did, for allowing him to treat me the way he did. I used to be a much stronger woman. Then I became a woman afraid of her own shadow at times. Never willing to speak up for not wanting to rock the boat.
Coming Tomorrow: Not Mud
After that I became a bitter woman that I despise more than the one who wouldn’t speak up. I am working on that. I working on being the woman I am not the woman I let someone else make me into. It has been a long road but you know what? I don’t think I would trade a single day of it. Not even when I was at my lowest, when he did things I will never share with anyone I would take it all again to be where I am today. I know I can survive the worst, and have. I know that my crappy relationship showed me all the things I don’t want in a man. All the red flags to pay closer attention to.
What it hasn’t done is take away my belief in love. Although I am not sure I’m the girl to experience at the stage in my life but I am hopeful. I know that love can happen at any age to anyone.
Tell me about your relationship, good or bad. Share it with us in the comments below.
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