Create Your Own Joy

One thing I have been thinking about lately is how little joy I have at the moment. Let’s face it there is nothing joyful about being sick and in the hospital. I have been thinking about all the things I want to do again but may not be able to. Something as simple as being able to walk is a challenge at the moment. I can’t cut my own meat.

I miss all the little things that I took for granted in the past. Being able to hold a book, turn the page. If my hair falls into my face I can’t lift my left arm to push it back. I am having to learn to adapt while I learn to use the left side of my body. I can’t begin to tell you how frustrating that is.  

All of that got me thinking about how it is important to have joy in our everyday lives even if it means we have to create our own joy. I have spent a lot of time the last few months and year if I am honest just pushing myself. Pushing myself to accomplish this or that. To fulfill some dream that if I am honest wasn’t my dream but a need to prove to my ex that I could do it. That I was more than my issues. More than whatever he made me feel I was.

Now, I find joy in the fact that my left fingers tingle. I don’t know what it means but  I am taking it as a win. When I get out of here I intend to find more joy in my everyday life. I intend to slow down and evaluate the direction I am healing and decide if it is the direction I truly want to be going in. 

I refuse to spend the rest of my life never feeling as though I have any sort of joy. I put off doing so many things thinking there will be time later. However, time is fleeting and if I keep putting them off I am going to wake up one day and realize I am out of time. 

So I am making a list of all the things I want to do. I am thankful that I am still able to write since I am right-handed but it does take me much longer now than it did. My doctors and therapists say that it will come back with time and therapy. I am taking that to heart and practicing as much as I can. I know logically I may never get some of my moment and brain function back. However, I can try to get as much as possible. I am grateful that my sister in-law thought to turn on my dictation apps and software. Being able to do some work helps me focus better. It gives me something to fill my days with at the moment.

 It gives me a little joy in what is a rather difficult time. I can’t wait until I am better and am able to do more. I don’t say back to normal since I know I will have a new normal. However, I am thankful that this happened to me. 

I think without this I would have carried on doing the same thing and nerve getting out of my comfort zone. Always putting things off, always saying one day I will do this. When I have the money I will whatever. Always ending the day feeling just miserable. Even on the good days before I would often cry myself to sleep at night. Life can get us down when we aren’t paying attention. Now I am paying attention and planning just how to bring more joy to my daily life.