I wrote this post back in 2012 when I was happily married. I am happily single now. There was a lot that happened all those years and reading this now, I can read just how naive I was at times. I still wanted to share it with you all again because it is just as relevant as far as my feelings for my father. I still miss him and in the end I am still his little girl at heart.
I have been thinking about my father a lot recently and I thought I would share a letter to him. It is one of those letters that you write to make yourself feel better knowing they will never be able to read. It did make me feel better and a little closer to him after I finished writing it. Losing a parent is never easy and while it is difficult I am so grateful that I was an adult when he passed away. It meant I got him for my entire childhood. He never got to see any of my big mistakes or the smaller ones and that’s okay.
February 21, 2012
Dear Daddy,
In April, you will be gone twelve years. It doesn’t seem like it has been that long ago. Each day I find that I still miss you. I miss the ways you believed in me when no one else would. I miss the fact that you never got to see me marry. You will never know the man who is my husband, the man who showed me what love truly is. You will never know my children or be able to teach them all the things that you taught me. I see your face when I look in the mirror, hear your voice when I talk to Charlie.
There are times when I wish you could be here just to hug me once more and tell me everything will be alright when it is all falling apart. It is in those moments that I hear your voice the most telling me to pull myself together, be strong, and get back in there. I remember the way you always said “God will provide for us tomorrow so just live for today.” I don’t do that as often as I should but I try. The times when I feel like the world is against me I hear you saying you will take of it.
Those last moments with you, the words you said to me that only we know I carry with me each and every day. I am the woman I am today because of you. Because you took the time to show me there was beauty in the world, to always believe in the good in people, to never judge, that I was stronger than I knew. The life you thought I didn’t get to have because you held me back was never really held back from me. You saved me from the mistakes that might have led me down a different path and I would have never known the joy and happiness I have now.
My life now is the life I was born to have, the happiness, the joy, even the pain and sorrow. The little girl that you delivered into the world, wanted to name Tidy Bowl because you couldn’t think of anything else, and had to share with everyone in the world the embarrassing story of her birth has a become the woman who is proud that God loved her enough to give you as her father.
I hope and pray that you have the peace now that you didn’t always have while you were here in this world. I love you Daddy!
Today- 2019
It wasn’t long after I wrote this post that my world changed. That I began to admit the abuse that I was suffering at the hands of my ex. I spent years putting on a brave face that I am certain my father would be ashamed of me for. He didn’t raise me to accept that. He would have told me to walk away but I was lost when I met my ex. So lost that I thought I had found undying love. It took years to come find my way back to myself and I am proud of the woman that I have become. My father would look at me now and see a woman to be proud. Proud because she is happy with herself. Proud because she is proud of herself. Those mistakes weren’t so much mistakes as learning lessons and I came out the other side a little weathered and broken in places but stronger than I ever thought I could be.
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I am so sorry… losing a parent is very hard and it seems the pain never really goes away.
Both of my folks are gone and its funny but when you are young you dont want to look like or act like your parents but the older you get the more you realize how precious they were.
Thank you. It is hard and you are right, you only truly appreciate your parents once you are old enough to understand everything they did, they did for you.
I am so sorry for your loss Rita…. I have not lost a parent in that way but when I was 13 my dad left… when he left my mom dived head first into drugs, It was hard because I felt as though I had lost them both. I had written many Dear Daddy letters after he left and many Dear Mommy letters too, I truly believe they have helped me to heal. My mom is still stuck in her ways but my dad finally got in touch with me just recently and we have been talking. I Pray for her everyday and know that everything happens for a reason. I know I am stronger because of my struggles and that this is where God intended for me to be. Some days are harder than others but I will never stop loving them or forget who they are/ were and how it has molded me today…
Letters always help. They allow you to get things off your chest and give you freedom. I am so sorry about both of your parents. While losing one may be hard what you went through may be even more difficult.
What a beautiful letter. I lost my father almost 5 years ago but it still feels like yesterday. stay strong.
It will get EASIER, I promise. That loss though will always stay with you.
I am sorry for your loss. I bet your father would be very proud of the person you have become.
It really is so hard to lose your parents. we lost my dad is 2002, and mom 10 years later. some days it’s still as fresh as if it happened yesterday, and some days it feels so far away. i still miss them both every single day. i have found that talking about them, about the things they taught us, about the parts of them that we have within us, the features or habits we share, makes the loss of them less painful. god bless and help you find your peace.
It was very brave to share this very personal post with your readers. Thank you.
I understand what it’s like to feel lost and to do something you didn’t think you would. But life is about growing and learning and you have obviously done that with yourself. The best thing is realizing how strong you can be! I had the same thing happen to me after a difficult relationship. I think that the important part is being able to learn from it.