Embracing Your Mess Part 2

For those of you coming into this post it is best to start with the first part prior to reading this one. Although this could be read by itself, it does start in the middle of the story and you will feel like you are missing something important.

Related: Embracing Your Mess | Part 1

ON THE BRINK OF DESPAIR

A few weeks after all of that I received paperwork from their attorney stating they would agree to mediation and try to work things out that way. I see now that was simply his way of scaring me into doing what they wanted to begin with. After meeting and talking things through with the mediator and our attorneys we agreed to joint custody with him getting them for the first half of the year as well as Christmas. I get the second half all the way through Christmas Eve,

The day I left that office with that agreement in place I will be honest and say I was mad as hell. I’m the one who has been there with the kids through everything. While he went out and partied or whatever the heck he did all those years I have been the one right here. I took four children that aren’t biologically mine and made them mine. I have loved them the way a mother should. I have protected them from everything and been the one to wipe their noses, teach them manners, and now I was losing them. What was I going to do? How was I going to go on?

HELLO MESS, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU FACE TO FACE

Well, the first thing I was going to do was stop feeling sorry for myself and make sure that Christmas Eve was the best one yet. I was going to sit my children down and explain things to them without being bitter about it and then I was going to make a plan. With the new agreement, I could see them on the weekends if we both agreed in advanced. Not to mention my oldest is in college this next year so he is able to decide for himself where he chooses to live and go.

I know that he will live with the other kids just so he can keep an eye on them. He is good like that. I raised him to be that way. I would be lying if I said this doesn’t kill me. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. That being said, I know that I am strong enough now to get through this. I will get though this.

Better For Everyone At the Moment

I am going forward on the promise that this is better for everyone at the moment. The kids will finally spend time with their father and get to know him on a better level. While I can focus on getting better. I can put my health first so that when they are with me I will be at one hundred percent.

This in no way means I am just accepting of things. I will be fighting for my children but if I am sick I can’t fight. I can argue and get through all of my faults. I can’t argue that I could end up in the hospital suddenly. That is simply the way it is. Maybe the kids needs this time with him. Not to mention in the end I know my ex. A tiger doesn’t suddenly change his stripes. He left the kids with me because he doesn’t like the strings they attach to him. That is harsh but it is the truth. he is a selfish person at his core.

This is all his new wife’s doing. Maybe she genuinely wants them to be a family. I don’t know. Maybe they will all be happy and I pray with all that I am that the kids are happy when they are with him. In the end though he will do what he always does. He did it to his first wife, to me, to every girlfriend he has ever had. He will show his tre colors at some point. I just have to be ready to pick up the pieces.

My illness may mean that I could lose custody all together. That is the only reason I agreed to joint. It gives me a say in what happens. He can’t make any sort of decisions without me when it comes to them. At least not big ones. We also agreed that he could not take them out of the country without my prior permission either. I know that he could and I wouldn’t know. It is something I am hoping doesn’t happen.

What Now?

Now, I focus on my health, as I said. I focus on getting better, getting back to where I was. I focus on work and making sure that my income is a bit more stable. I focus on getting us a new house and just putting one foot in front of the other. I prepare everyday for when the six months is up. It will be here before i know it. I shake hands with the mess that is my life. I greet every morning and welcome it in the day. No one’s life is unless. If it is they do a wonderful. Job of hiding things. I don’t want that for myself or my family. I want things to run smoothly. In order for that to happen I have to accept the chaos.