Emotional Rollercoaster

One thing having CHF (congestive heart failure) does is send you on an emotional rollercoaster. Some days I will be perfectly fine and happy. The next, I’m ready to just give up. A lot of this was due to the new diet plan I was placed on. It made me want to give up, but I will talk about that in another post. Feeling as though I didn’t have support or the support I needed left me depressed. I felt alone so much of the time. While we had gone through this with my father, he was in the final stages of it when it was discovered. So the process was different.

Everyone had sympathy, but they all went on with their lives. I was expected to do the same. If I talked about it, they would act as though they didn’t want to hear about it. The subject would get changed or they would roll their eyes. It wasn’t happening to them, so they didn’t have to deal with it. This led me to stop talking about it. To keep my setbacks and achievements to myself. It made me nervous about bringing things to my doctors’ attention, which is never a good thing.

It made me wary of saying I needed to slow down or take a nap when I was with them. A nap would throw them into fits. I couldn’t do the things they did, and there were remarks about me just doing it for attention. A friend was telling my uncle there was no reason I couldn’t pick up the cases of drinks or large bags of dog food. I had plenty of muscles. Which I do. The problem was the dizziness and shortness of breath that happen after I lift things like that.

I recently picked up a marble lazy Susan from the bottom shelf of a store and then ended up having to sit down in the middle of the aisle because I felt like I was going to pass out. Once I catch my breath and the dizziness goes away, I am alright, but trying to catch your breath is the worst feeling in the world. Not to mention, they all heard about the positive results from my tests and figure that means everything is okay. The thing about CHF is that you don’t look sick.

Unless you’re in the final stages, no one really knows you have this. I look normal, so why am I using a scooter in the store? I get that a lot. I don’t use one in every store, but Sam’s and Walmart are too big for me to walk through at times. I even had a clerk tell me they were for people who needed them and to get off it. I was furious and humiliated when I had to explain that I needed it. She didn’t apologize, just made a snide remark. For a while, I stopped going to those stores because I didn’t want the remarks. For that reason, I stopped doing a lot of things. I needed a support system, but where to turn to?

I finally found a support group for people like me online. It helps to have others who have been there or are going through it. I go to the stores now, and I use the scooter if I have to. When someone makes a remark, I simply explain. I also have a card that I carry in my wallet that tells people what I have and what I need.

So, if you see me sitting on the floor of a store, I am not doing it, even if it looks like I might be. I will catch my breath. It just takes longer now. I am also in the process of getting a cardiac dog. He will let me know when things are starting to get bad before they do, so I can take appropriate action. As sad as it will sound, it will also stop some of the remarks I hear.

Next time you see someone on one of those scooters that doesn’t appear to be sick, please be kind. Not all illnesses and disabilities are seen. I will say that I do have a handicapped placard for my card but don’t use it often. I will use it when my uncle is with me because he can’t walk well anymore. I use it when I have Same with me as well, so he doesn’t have to walk as far. I don’t use it for myself because I am embarrassed by it. I hate that I even have one.