Fear

 

My faith has been all of the place lately. In fact in the last week there have been times when I questioned what I believed as well as if I even believed. what I now realize is that it is not so much what I believe as much as it is this fear that I have. One that I simply cannot seem to shake.

 

I fear more than anything to hope. To have the faith that god will take care of the things I need him to take care. That somehow my prayers (as simple and one sided as they sometimes are) will ever be answered. I have a horrible habit of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have found, in my life at least, that it always does. I can be so happy and things will be going well and then suddenly any and everything that could ever go wrong does.

I had made a decision in January that I would get up everyday and find joy and happiness in all the little things. That I would be grateful for the small things as much as the big things that God does for me.  So every small thing that happens I thank God. It didn’t matter if it was good or bad. When my paycheck arrived I thanked God for it coming.

I have a friend who told me that I was giving God too much credit. My paycheck arrived because I had worked and earned it.  As a freelance writer and direct sales rep I found that statement to not always be true. I have to seek out my income and I felt like God was presenting me with opportunities that I may not have found on my own.

So as the holidays approach I find that I am completely reevaluating my relationship with God and my religion.  The funny things is I found I think that God may have found a way to speak to me. I receive a lot of catalogs and books as a writer and a Catholic. I received one on Tuesday that if full of cards, prints, etc. As I was flipping through in the bathroom of all places (which is where I do the majority of my praying and ranting at God) I found two very simple saying on two different prints:

 

Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. ~Isaish 41:10

 

 

To pray is to laugh, whistle,dance on happy feet, sing, shout, and jump higher than ever before. But it is also to whisper, wonder, stumble in dark places, cry, scream or just hold a tired head in tired hands and wait….Prayer is our tired reaching out to the one who holds us closer & loves us more than we would dare imagine. ~Greta Schrumm

Those two simple phrases may not have solved all of my problems rid me of my fear but they did remind that God is there holding my hand. Even though it doesn’t always feel like he is. That my prayers, rants, screams, whatever are heard. No matter how crazy they may seem to the world.