I Didn’t Sign Up For This

That is the easiest thing in the world to say about anything in life. My sister said it to me this morning when she was talking about the end of her marriage. The truth is while she didn’t sign up for divorce she certainly signed up for marriage and all that it entails. Even if that is the failure and end of it. She has been with her husband for more than twenty years. They have two grown daughters so, I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

I take that back. I know how difficult and gut wrenching a divorce can be. You feel like your life is over. Although I will admit that my sister is handling it the exact opposite of the way I did. She is the epitome of a bitter soon to be ex-wife. I never wanted that sort of drama so I didn’t do a ton of yelling, screaming, or name calling. I did have a breakdown because all I saw was my failures.

The way we each handled things just shows how different we are as people and that is okay. The point I was trying to make to her this morning is that life in general is messy. There is at least one moment (if not more) that every single person on the face of the earth has said “I didn’t sign up for this.”

The cancer patient with a new diagnoses, the teen girl who finds herself pregnant, the women who finds herself beaten almost to the death. No one ever signs up for it. It is life and we have to take the good with the bad. It doesn’t mean that the moment has to define us. It doesn’t mean we have to give or even fight to begin with. What it means is that we have to find our strength. The strength that says we are more than this moment. That this moment isn’t going to be the sum of our life.

Then we put one foot in front of another and live each day for the day that it is. I used to have huge plans for the future. Now, I still make plans but I live the day as it comes and am grateful for it. Plans change, things happen. People even change. I can say looking back on the disaster that was my relationship and later marriage I can say that deep down I knew it wouldn’t work. The signs were there I was naive or simply didn’t want to see them.

The first time he cheated or made me feel less than should have been the moment I walked away. I thought I could fix it, change things. Change him. The only person I can change is me and it has taken me a number of years to do that. I am a better person today than I was then. Heck, I’m a better person today than I was yesterday. Simply because I strive to be. Today is about today and I forgiven myself for yesterday. Whatever failure there my be. Whether that failure is real or imagined, I forgive myself for it and work towards being better today.

I ate some candy yesterday and drank a soda when I’m trying to give them up. It isn’t the end of the world. I accomplished everything on my todo list and had a good day. I thanked God for his blessings and while I some worry when I went to sleep last night it was no where near what it was a few months ago. I give all up to God at he end of every day and know that he will handle it.

I told my sister this morning that the best revenge she can get is to live a better life than the one he gave her. I don’t mean money or fancy things. But one where she is happy and whole. The only person who can do that for her is her. The yelling, screaming, and acting crazy won’t help anything and only make her feel worse in the long run. Not to mention what it will do to her sobriety. I don’t know that she will listen, she’s a younger sister after all but all i can do it hope she will.