If Only…

I tell myself that a lot nowadays. If only I had done this, if only I had said that. The biggest thing now is that Edgar is away a lot working and I have the If Only he would answer. What is he doing? Why didn’t he answer? Those and a million other thoughts go through my head every time I call and there is no response. Sitting here today after one such call I found myself in tears.

His affair has taken its toll on both of us. I trust him or at least I tell myself that I do but then when I am alone I wonder. Did he not answer my call because he is with another woman? Does our marriage mean so  little to him? The affair came at a time when we were in a horrible place. I don’t blame him, we were falling apart at the seams and neither took the time to notice. However things have improved so much. He had been trying so hard. It is difficult with him being away but I know he is doing what he needs to for our family.

The biggest problem is how to tell my heart that. Chances are he is simply working and too busy to answer or just didn’t hear the phone ring. It happens. Yet every time I get voicemail (I don’t mean I call a million times a day) it is like a knife in the heart. The wonder and the worry. If this is a test that God is giving me, I don’t think I am passing it.

Most people wonder how I could take him back after an affair. The answer is simple: I love him and I want to believe he loves me. He didn’t have to come back. He knows he could have left me without any argument or fight. It would have killed me but I would have let him go. He didn’t though, he came home to me and our family. Through the years we have been through a lot.

I just needed to get all of that out I guess. He’ll call later and my moment of weakness will be a memory.