Letter to the Man Who Thought He Broke Me

As the year comes to a close and the holidays are in full swing this year I find myself reflecting on so many things. The biggest is my former marriage and the man who I thought would be there forever by my side. The man who in the end took everything while giving nothing in return.  So I sat down and wrote him a letter. One I will never send but thought I would share here.

To the Man Who Thought He Broke Me,

If I had to describe with one word my entire relationship with you it would be wait. I was always waiting for you to call, waiting for you to love me, waiting for you to not be so angry, waiting for you to realize I wasn’t cheating, waiting for you to realize that I was losing weight for you, waiting for you to be faithful. Just simply waiting. You trained me well and I fell into that trap easily.

You knew what to look for when you found me. That sad, self conscious girl who thought no one would ever want her. That girl who was so desperate for love and compassion that she clung to it even when she knew what you were offering wasn’t right. 

The first time you raised your hand to me I had all sorts of excuses. The first time you talked down to me I said you had a bad day. The truth was you were just showing me who you were. At least with me. I was never more than your side piece. At least I never felt more than that throughout our relationship and marriage. I sometimes wondered if your girlfriends felt more important than I was.

When you were ready you left and I finally got smart and said no more. Then I raised your children only for you to come back and decide I was no longer good enough. I was never good enough for you. In fact, you taught me I wasn’t good enough for myself.

Guess what though? For all of the times that you beat me down, all of the times you made me feel like nothing, all of the moments I cried myself to sleep, all the worries, all of the hurts…. you didn’t actually break me. I am here today standing on my own two feet. I might be a little off balance but I am standing strong. 

I may have to live a different life but I will. I may not have much time with the kids as I did but I will cherish every moment I do have. I may not ever be who you wanted me to be but I am stronger than you ever gave me credit for. I am not that weak woman that you left.

Life is full of twists and turns and during this time of the year it is easy to look back on them and feel lost. To feel hurt and just forgotten. I know there were plenty of holidays in my past that I felt that way. While this year is different than I hoped it is still Christmas and still a time to be thankful for all of the things I do have. Thankful for everything I have overcome.