I talked a couple of times recently about buying things that I didn’t need but felt like I had to do so. I had that with some other areas as well. I attempted to clean out the twins closets and get rid of all the old clothing that they no longer wore. After all they growing leaps and bounds, I found myself folding everything carefully and placing it all in totes which I labeled. The rational side of me says take them to the Goodwill and get rid of them but the more sensitive side says to wait a while. I am just not ready to do that yet.
That was the case when I had my very first miscarriage. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of anything. I packed it all away and when we got the twins they had plenty of things to get themselves started. I just have such a feeling inside that I need to hang onto these things for a while. There is no chance of me needing any of it anytime soon but maybe someone will. I feel the same way about my marriage I am simply not ready to let it go. Everything in my head says it is over and done. In fact I think even my heart has now accepted that. I have taken down the pictures of him in my office area and the ones in the bedroom. I have deleted all the pictures I had saved in my iCloud and such so the only ones are one in the kids room or family photos. I don’t want the kids to think they can’t have a picture of him or talk about him.
I got a new phone recently and when I was putting my contacts in I put Edgar’s in the same way I always had. Including the same sappy ringtone that I had to actually download again. The entire time I was doing it I was thinking “He doesn’t deserve his own ringtone (I only give people in my favorite’s list their own ringtone) let alone this one.” But something inside deep down said to do it. Something keeps saying wait, don’t push it all away.
What I am waiting for I have no idea! I hope someone up there knows what he is doing but I sure don’t.
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All I can think is that you have to process everything in your own way. Don’t listen to anyone else but yourself. It may be that you don’t ever need to use the twins things, or you may. I think of it like the grieving process. As the kids get older you feel like you are losing them because they are more independent. They will never need you in the same ways. I have learned that as they get older they need you in different ways. They will always need you it just is in a different way.
I love how you put that. It is a different way and we are all becoming different people.
Some things take time and do it at your own pace, but make sure your doing it to lead up to it. I wouldn’t put things off for too long, cause sometimes you find yourself holding on for too long, and then you keep putting it off. I have learned from my own personal situations. I stayed with someone for close to 10 years and kept holding on even when I knew it was time to let go, and I wasn’t holding on for me or us, it was all for the wrong reasons. And I wasted a lot of time. Now I am much happier, and wished I would have done it sooner, as now I don’t know why I didn’t. I guess we all end not knowing why sometimes, but soon enough the man upstairs leads us the right way, even if we still don’t know why.