I never thought I would be so happy to see a month come to an end. January has been the month from h*ll! That is for sure. I saw an Instagram post that said January has been 974 days long and I could not agree more. For every one thing that went right it felt like 15 more went wrong. I had such hopes and plans. All of which went down horribly in flames on like the seventh of the month. Whoever decided that January needed to be the fresh start month should be punched in the face. Just what went wrong, you ask? Let me share a few things.

Pain and Lack of Sleep

If you don’t know I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis last year. It is painful but I have been managing alright. Then the snow storm decided it needed to take a trip to the south and we had 14 degree days. I should say that I love cold weather and snow so a part of me was so excited. Until I realized that I couldn’t go outside because I might fall and it was so cold. Ask me how I know that?

The cold led to waking up after two hours sleep, in so much pain that I thought I was dying. You would not believe the amount of pain I was in. I took some medicine but then had trouble going back to sleep. I end up moving a lot in my sleep because if I don’t when I wake up I can’t move.

I woke one morning and couldn’t move my fingers for thirty minutes because all of my joints were too stiff from lack of movement. My mother had to sleep with me one night because of some work happening in her room and she ended up getting up and sleeping in the chair. She said I moved too much for her.

I am currently sitting here at 3 am typing this because I haven’t slept for more than a couple of hours each night for the last three weeks. I am tired!

Lack of Work and No Appointments

I attempted to move my appointment up with my doctor to discuss my current issues. However, she doesn’t have anything available until March after my original appointment. I did get on a the will call list just in case. So nothing can be done with that yet. You would think with the lack of sleep I would be so ahead in work. I am not, I am behind.

I have had too many days where using my hands and fingers hurts too badly. I did attempt to use dictation software but my accent was too thick for that dang thing to understand me properly. am frustrated with myself and to be honest more than a little disgusted with myself.

I had plans and wanted to be sure I got certain things done each month this year and it was the universe said “Not this January!” I haven’t even managed to close out the giveaways for this month yet. That will happen in the next few days though.

No Drive, No Desire

I have had zero drive to get anything done. Not just with work either. Last year in like April I began to do a year long Bible study and read there entire Bible. I haven’t picked my Bible up at all this year. It’s like I just can’t bring myself to do it for some reason. I sit down to work and I just can’t do it. If I’m not in so much pain then I mentality can’t make myself work. I am lucky that I work for myself and can adjust my hours because I worked for anyone else I would have been fired by now.

Let’s Be Honest

This began actually last month. I had a few really bad weeks at the end of last month, proceeded by some family issues prior to that. I allowed things to get to me that I shouldn’t have. I allowed toxic arguments to take control and I pretty much shut down completely. Things have been out of control and this month has really shown me how far I have allowed things to slip. The osteoarthritis is something that I am learning to live with and it will get more manageable as I learnt to navigate it better.

Everything else, are things I should have better control of. I let things get out of control and because I work for myself, I allowed myself to say it’s okay to take today off. Today became tomorrow and the next day and the next. That is something I have to own and accept is my own fault.

Ease into It

I intend to ease into February. It kills me that I have to go over to that January Checklist and say I didn’t do any of this beyond the one or two things that I have on there. However, I am going to go do that when I am finished with this post and I am going to own it. I am not saying I am getting this done or that done in February. However, I will be working more even if I have to force myself to do it.

I am making a list of things I need to get done this month and then just checking them off. I am not planning them out in my planner that I won’t bother opening. Just a piece of paper and a list. Who knows maybe I will share it over here so I can show y’all I managed to get it all done.

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