Not the Mama: 25 Days of Me

We have made it to day four of the 25 Days of Me and today I thought I would share a little about my road to motherhood. Children were my secret lifelong dream. Most of family thought I didn’t want any but I was always afraid I wouldn’t have any. That something would prevent me from having them. So, I never spoke the fact that I did want them out loud.

I had a box that I filled with baby clothing and other items I kept hidden in the back of my closet since I was about eighteen years old. All the the things I would give to my child when it was born. The family I was going to have of my own. I have no idea why I did all of that but I did. For many years I would tuck anything I bought into that box.

Then, when I married I thought this is it. We will have children and my box will come out and finally be put to use. My husband had two children already so he didn’t seem excited the first time I thought I was pregnant. I was over the moon. I was looking at baby names, making plans.

Plans that wouldn’t pan out. It wasn’t meant to be, at least that is what everyone said. You will be able to try again and things will be better the next time. Don’t let it get to you. Just keep your head up and moving forward.

It was the third time that I took my box out of the closet and burned it. It was never going to happen and I was beginning to get tired of everything. I was a failure and couldn’t even manage to carry my own children. It was simply too much for me and having that box was a reminder of everything I was never going to have.

After the fourth miscarriage I got the twins. Although the way i got them was more than a little unconventional. You see my husband had been having an affair and his girlfriend got pregnant. She didn’t want them and we were given custody. You read that correctly. There was of course much more to it but that is the gist of it all.

I was able to become a mother because my husband couldn’t stay true to his vows. I was over the moon with the twins but I admit that there was a few moments of hatred on my part. They represented everything I ever wanted and this woman just didn’t want them. How fair was all of that?

Coming Tomorrow: Crappy Relationship

It took me a little while to see them and my older step children as the blessings they are. I may not have gotten my children through conventional methods but they are mine. I raised them and loved them as much as any biological mother every could.

I was finally a mother and could do all of the things other mothers did. My dream had come true although the way it did was different than most.

Have an usual motherhood story? Please tell us all about it in the comments below.