Parenting is hard, boy is that the understatement of the year! It is never easy when you are the one responsible for the lives of other people. It is even worst when everything you do affects how this small person will be and who they become. Every decision you make affects them and there times when you find yourself wondering if you are doing it right nor not.
One of the biggest parenting moments for us has been how to discipline our children. Growing up we both were spanked and have not been the worst for it. The question was did we want that to be a method of discipline in our home? I am of course talking about a spanking on the bottom, not a beating! We had a lot of options and viewpoints to weigh while deciding. We have some friends who have children that are never spanked or disciplined in any way. I am going to be honest and say all I ever want to do to those little brats is spank them.
They tear up everything and we find excuses not to have them over. I didn’t want my children to be those kids but I didn’t want them to be frightened to be themselves either. We have a nice balance I like to think when it comes to discipline. When we say stop they know to stop. I am not above taking away toys or other privileges. When I say take away I toy I mean throw in the garbage (or hide it away in the attic) which sounds harsh but it only ever took once.
They were once fighting over a toy and I got so frustrated that I threw it out the car window. They never fought over another toy. We don’t spank but it wasn’t because we chose not to, our children listen and we don’t have the need to.
Share Your Hardest Parenting Moment
Share with us one parenting moment that has been the hardest for you. How did you overcome it?
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I think the biggest mistake a couple can make is not being in agreement on their parenting / disciplining tactics. There’s nothing to confuse a child, and undermine the parents than lack of consistency. It has been a long time since my son was small so I can’t think of one that stands out, but if I was ever in doubt as to how to discipline my son re: something serious I would discuss it with my husband.
My husband and I have been lucky for the most part. Our kids know when we say something that we mean it and that if one of us says it, that it goes for the other one. We are a united front. Our kids are older, so we have seen how some of their friends have turned out. We tell our kids that we are the parents and we make the decisions. We are not their friends! We tell them they have plenty of friends but only two parents. To many parents try to be best friends with their kids and not parents. Our job is to raise responsible citizens. I could rant on this all day. It makes it harder on us parents that are involved in our kids lives and do the parenting instead of being buddies, when other parents don’t step up to the plate and make the tough decisions.
That’s my two cents. 🙂
Some place along the way the word “discipline” came to mean “punishment.” Almost every time parents talk about “disciplining” a child, they are really talking about how best to “punish” a child for bad behavior. What gets lost in the conversation is how to Discipline a child in good behavior so that not as much Punishment is called for. The problem with your friend’s kids is that they are not being taught how to behave when visiting someone’s home–probably not at their own home either. “Discipline” might occasionally involve punishment, but it is so much more than that. It is about teaching kids self-control.
I could not agree with your more. Our children have been taught to say yes sir, no sire please, thank you, etc. It is all part of our discipline with in turn means we don’t have to punish as often.
I do not believe in spanking a child. I think that a parent starts at an early age showing a child what is acceptable, and making sure to stick to rules they have established. We as parents need to set a good moral example for our children, and when they do something wrong , we are able to discipline them effectively. Be stern and mean what you say! Do not be wishy washy as a parent. Please be careful not to spoil a child. I have seen how some of these children grow up and they are so disrespectful.
I agree. I want my children to respect me not out of fear though.
I know the spanking I had as a child as well. Seemed to work for us because we thought about what we were going to do before doing it. We don’t spank my grandson either but he gets his time outs.
I gave my niece a time out once, set the timer, and didn’t hear it when it went off. She was there for like three hours. I felt so awful about it but it was a mistake.
my parents had me kneel on rice so discipline was definitely a topic with my children i prefer time outs…usually if they’re out of hand all i have to do is count to three by the time i get to 2 they stop whatever it is they are doing
I am not a parent. But I have to respect parents because it is a lot of hard work.
The hardest thing in parenting for me is agreeing with my husband, we are often not on the same page so it is very difficult.
Parenting IS hard. I’m not yet a parent yet, but I’ve worked for enough families to know good and bad parenting when I see it…
We struggle with the same thing. I think there’s nothing wrong with a swat on the bottom or taking away a toy. I look at my son’s peers who are not disciplined and they are terrors in school and out in public. My son knows that there are consequences for his actions and while he isn’t perfect, he gets glowing reports from his teachers and the other adults in his life. We had one incident a while back when he repeatedly slammed his door when he was sent to his bedroom. He was warned that he’d lose the door if he kept it up. He slammed the door again and I grabbed my screwdriver and took the door off the hinges. Guess who’s never slammed another door? 🙂
some kids do seem like they would need a good spanking. My son has adhd though and the doctor says this would not be a good thing – and since his medicine – which i was very against – he has changed totally while still retaining his enthusiasm and joy and personality. One thing to remember in looking at other kids children is to remember the kids may have autism (my son is being evaluated for this) or adhd. We recognized something was wrong, sometimes it takes a teacher and even once they are diagnosed not everyone is lucky enough to find a medicine right away that works. Some are ineffective and some have bad side effects depending on the child.
I definitely suspected that part of his challenges were adhd when things like sugar would calm him down – in fact when i needed to work at home when i had a part time job – in the mornings i would give him a donut and he would be quiet all morning. Going to mcdonalds to play or the park rather then tire him out running around etc would hype him up and make it a chore to get him calmed down for bed. As much as I was against the medicine i am all for it now – now all my creative approaches to behaviour – reward charts, talking to him about good or bad choices – and we have an excercise to do when he gets upset – things that never worked before – his tantrums were violent, he never slept – he is very smart but wasn’t showing it it in school because he couldn’t focus. Now that i’m aware I know to think twice when i see kids misbehave…where before i was like um control your child
Amy,
I totally agree. My sister has ADHD as well and I know there were times when she pushed my parents to breaking point. My dad refused to give her medication. He felt that the medication would do her more damage in the long run (she has other health problems a well.) Although we all got spankings her ADHD was always considered before she was disciplined. But you are right there are somethings that are beyond the control of the children. Kudos to you for teaching your son exercises for when he is upset and for all that you do. I am sure he is a remarkable young man.
Yes all depends on circumstances. In ours, him progressing in school, learning how to interact socially etc outweighted any concerns i had about medication. Glad your sister was able to flourish in school and the world without it. Robby’s school excellence would not have been unveiled without medicine right now. As for spankings, he never connected spankings his dad used to give him with the behaviour. So would go right back to behaviour. And I just knew intuitively they would be more detrimate to him then not. . Yes I guess like Autism – and adhd its part of that – there are degrees of ADHD as well. With my brother’s family – they spanked the older child when necessary but with the youngest never had to. Both of them turned out to be well rounded, well behaved young ladies – very happy too. Each child is different. Eventually I do want to try a total cleanse to his diet. I’ve read a lot about gluten and other intolerances and just toxins that effect behaviour, brain chemistry etc. Its a challenge right now without my husband aboard. Won’t work if his diet isn’t 100 percent for the cleanse. I was never spanked I think for me because of my personality it would’ve thrown me into a depression…not that I was a bad child I felt bad enough when I was sent to my room – for my behaviour I didn’t mind the quiet time. I would sometimes think my brother should be lol – as a teen but he too grew into a well rounded adult has a career that takes him around the world and gives him six figures a great family life totally knows right from wrong etc. All without spankings as a method of discipline. And that was growing up as a bit of a brat with only time outs and groundings as punishments. Same with all my friends. However I live in Texas now and have an equal amount of friends who swear that it was only being hit as children that taught them right from wrong. And not to repeat the behaviours. Too much. Guess every child and family is different. Just glad ADHD and Autism are gaining more attention and people are being informed so they don’t judge other parents. I guess i focus on positive parenting – rewards systems – he earns rewards for making good choices. HE gets them taken away without. Most of my challenge solvers I got from ADHD literature and forums. I redirect, i clear away distractions – i make sure he has order in his day and schedule – huge for adhd…and if things are like an uphill battle – then I get out of the house….go to Mcdonalds to play…go see a movie – go to the dollar store to get supplies for a project. Most ADHD (which is again is on autism spectrum) react very negatively to being spanked and will not correlate to behaviour. Here’s how one person on a forum addresses it Its like punishing a kid with Multiple Sclerosis for spilling their juice when they have no muscle control ADHD presents similar problems. The muscle that needs the control, though, is the brain, and that is by no means an easy muscle to control. Sometimes, medications play a big role in that, and sometimes, it just takes an excruciating amount of personal will power. The will power involved is that akin to an addict when presented with the object or activity of their addiction.
I agree and like you I am glad that these disorders are finally making their way into the spotlight so people can understand them better. It took a long time for my sister to be diagnosed. Most teachers thought she was just a bad kid when she really couldn’t help herself.
I can so appreciate your dad and what he dealt with – and too your sister. I bet your dad is an amazing person. Your mom too of course – if she was part of the picture.
The hardest moment I’ve had as a parent, was explaining to my two boys that their father had passed away. It was the most heartbreaking, difficult moment of my life. Being a young widow isn’t easy, especially when Father’s Day, birthdays, and Christmas is upon us. But I pray everyday, shower my kids with love, and talk with them about their feelings. Trying to do the best I can, on my own…
As a single parent my hardest times came when my son got a little older (grammar school) and no longer wanted to share toys and my attention. I also used a “no share, no have” method to handle this problem and eventually he grew out of always needing my attention so much.
Hardest for me was potty training my daughter showed all the signs of being ready but she just refused to go. She loved her big girl panties, she would tell me pee pee or poop but she refused to sit on the potty. Finally i relized she hated her seat she wanted to sit on the big one and couldnt do it on her own
I completely agree, using or enforcing the tactics our parents chose is redundant. Doing what we feel is right and that works is the only way to go and feel productive about it!
Of course unless we agree with how our parents disciplined us