I read a book by that same title many years ago. It was a really good book and I can’t remember the author now but it was one of those books where everything seems to go wrong only to turn out right. I hadn’t thought about that book lately until it crossed my mind this morning in the shower. I told myself it was time to sink or swim and that story came to mind.
I was ready to give up on everything not so long ago. In fact I spent several days alone, having asked my mother to take the kids and go to my brother’s for a while. I needed time to figure things out is what I told her but the truth is I had other plans. Plans that I am ashamed to say I felt were the only option left for me. I felt alone, totally. I hadn’t felt God or heard his voice in a while and after that one night I just felt that was it. There was nothing left.
I was emotionally, spiritually, and physically drained and simply tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of praying only to get nothing but silence. That night, when I lost all faith, I discovered that my husband, without a word, had went to the other side of the country. For whatever reason I did not know. I called only to get silence from him.
Hurt and angry I thought “How could this happen?” The truth was because I allowed it to happen. Then the worst thing possible happened. A small secret I had been holding onto decided it no longer wanted to be a secret. I felt the blood run down my leg and knew what it was before I went to the bathroom. I drove myself to the emergency room in pain and just crushed. Everything I had been trying so hard to hold onto was now gone. After all the hurt, disappointments, all the what ifs, all the please let this time be it, it was over and I hated God.
I hated him for allowing me to hope, for not answering my prayers, for a million reasons. I told myself that night I would never pray again. After all I know plenty of people who don’t pray and they get everything they want. I was on the wrong bandwagon. The funny thing is God was not through with me.The voice (as I call it) kept telling me pray, get on your knees right this minute and pray. I would ignore it but it was stronger and stronger. Until last night I sat on my bedroom floor ready to end it. I heard my daddy tell me to stop. His voice was a clear as if he was right there. I could actually feel him in the room with me and for the first time in a long time I could feel God.
I heard God tell me there is a plan, get up off the floor and go to bed. First I thought I was crazy (I may well be!) Then I got on my knees and prayed. I don’t know why but I did and then I went to bed. I don’t know if things are going to get any better but I know that I am going to jump in with both feet and either swim or drown trying. I have spent too long allowing things to go on that I should have stopped a long time ago. I love my husband with all that I am but the choice to come home is his. I have other things I need to focus on, one of them being me.
I had said I wasn’t going to write another single article for this site this year, maybe never again. The funny thing about that is that the articles kept pouring out of me. I have a folder full of articles and have had a hard time focusing on anything else other than getting these words down.
I can’t say my faith is 100% what it was or if it will ever be that way again. All I can say is that I am going to keep praying for better or worse. My mom and kids are going to stay a little longer at my brother’s so that I have the time I need to heal. I can’t lift anything right now so picking up the twins would be difficult. So I will be spending Christmas on my own which hurts but I think it is necessary. I will miss seeing their beautiful little faces but if they were all here I would focus on them and never really pull myself together and that is something I need to do for me and for them.
I live in a small Georgia town that you most likely have never heard of and I LOVE it! My house is more than full as I am a single mother of four & caregiver to my aging mother and uncle. Lover of all things Outlander. Goes to the beat of her own drum woman.
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I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I know there are no words that would make any of this better, but know that I will always be here for you to talk to. I hope the rest of the year and next year get a lot better for you. I do know that if there is something telling you to do something, it can’t hurt to try.
Thank you. Having a friend like you makes me feel so much better. Things have been tough for both of us and I hope that the rest of your year and next is better as well.
I am so sorry that you are going through so much difficulty. I wish I knew the words to help you through it all. I pray it gets better very soon for you. Please take care of yourself.
Thank you, I am concentrating on taking care of myself right now. Spending Christmas away from the kids will be difficult but I know I am doing it so that I can be a better mother for them in the long term and that is what is important.
There are no words that I can say to you that will make it better, but I am so praying for you! I am so sorry you are going through so much difficulty. Take Care of yourself! You have become an inspiration to me!
Thank you Jessica. It is so funny, of all the people in my life it is my online friends who seem to always be there the most for me. You are all truly wonderful.
Rita, I truly hope you are doing better. It breaks my heart to hear of what you are going through. I hope that you have someone you can talk to, either it be a very good friend or even a therapist or priest. As a therapist, currently not practicing, we try to be there for others. Clients can really work through their difficulties and get things out they might not be ready to share with friends or family. I only say this because I became a little concerned when you said you were alone the other day. If I am out of line, I apologize. It is completely up to you how you work through it, I just hope you tap into your support group. I will continue to pray for you.
Diana C
Diana,
I do have an appointment to talk to someone. The doctor thought I should talk with someone to deal with everything. You could never be out of line at all. I know I can’t get through of this on my own.I am taking the time to heal physically and taking it one moment at a time.
Yes hon you DO need to take care of you. JUST you for now. That is not selfish. Repairing your mind and heart is unfortunately our jobs. What happened is/was out of your control. I know it’s hard to admit but even as God gave us life, he gives us WILL. We dont have any control over another’s will. The way they treat us. Or to make them choose us first in love and action. I am so grateful you are OK. I have thought about you day and night this weekend. You are NOT the rock that is going to sink to the bottom, but the rock that skips across the shore and then lightly, lightly finds it’s way back to a golden shore to be picked up and loved by your family and in time, someone that may treasure you (if that is the life you so choose). You are a treasure girl. DONT allow anyone to tell you that you are not or make you FEEL that way. When my husband left me I was pregnant with my 5th child, (our second and I went through a reversal tubal ligation to have our last two). He left. He could not handle am imperfect blended family and life’s hardships…noise, money issues, child issues. It was horrible. I got served papers at the door holding my little boy after he was only weeks old. His birthday was not what I had hoped. It was joyous but divided. It was sad. He want on his way to play and find greener pastures. For a time I felt imperfect. Unwanted. Not enough. Lost. Alone. Inadequate. But after buckets of tears I realized this was HIS imperfection of not being able to handle life and be selfish and scared and immature. And just a shit. I went on without him. Things changed after a bit over a year. But if they HADNT I let him know full well that although I did love him I sure didn’t NEED him and could live my life full well without him. And had plans to find a new person to share my life with because that is what I believe in. I LOVE sharing life with someone. I knew I had cried more than enough tears for him. It was a HUGE time of spiritual growth for me. Because at that point I learned not to hate GOD for foresaking me…he did NOT tempt my husband. He did not make him choose his choices. A MAN did this on his own free will. Free will does not always choose common sense or love or maturity or honor or integrity. I hope you can find your SELF again and not all the parts of other’s life you are…just you. The one who God gave life to as a gift and has the will to change. To grow. To learn. To love. YOU can do this Rita. I have faith in you and others do too. You are too strong to break completely. You know this! Love and hugs girl!
Thank you Eileen. I know that you struggled and came through the fire. You are right, his choices are his own and I have to move forward for myself and my children. That is what I am focusing on right now.
Rita I am sorry for everything you are going through but I am happy that you have not completely given up on God. Just know that God will not give you more than what you can handle. God can be our everything if we let him.
Thank you Denise. Right now I am hoping he doesn’t give me anything else.
Rita, I am glad to see this update from you. I checked every day and was genuinely concerned. I’m not of course glad to read what the update said – just that you are talking about it. You are a very patient, loving woman. Don’t ever forget that and no one can take that away from you.
Stand tall and stand proud in who you are.
I am terribly, terribly sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much Wendy!
Oh Rita, I pray you have no more burdens placed upon you. I know they say God only gives you what you can handle. But at some point I want to scream at him for you and say enough is enough. I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost a child and I know the pain you are going through. I am so happy that for once you are putting yourself first. You deserve to take some time and heal, both mentally and physically. Please know that I am so thankful that your father and God both spoke to you and encouraged you to keep fighting. I know I would miss you more then you can know. You always bring some joy to my day. Hang in there and fight for you! If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Thank you Tammy. I am taking time to put me first. Spending time in the bed has given me a lot of time to reflect and think.
Rita you are one of my 3 best friends online. I love you so much , my heart breaks that you have went through everything that you have. You have always been here for me and I will always be here for you! <3 you!
I know that you are and I appreciate it.
I know sometimes it helps to write and get things out, to sort of deal with them better. I hope you heal a little more in doing this and praying for you as well. I shall be swimming with you.
Thank you Deb.