What It Means to Be A Caregiver to Your Parent

Recently I came across an Instagram account that I began to follow. She is a caregiver and shares her journey. She posted this post that inspired me to write this blog post on just what it means to be a caregiver. I write a lot about Ma and Uncle R on here but I don’t think I have shared just what all I do for them.

They are both able to walk and bath themselves so thank the good Lord I don’t have to do those things yet. With Ma there has been a few times when I have had to do all of that. She had cataract surgery on both of her eyes and the couple of days she recovered I had to feed her, bath her, cloth her, etc. She had skin cancer twice (back and arm) and the removal from her arm was awful. She couldn’t use her arm for a couple of weeks and she just couldn’t seem to do anything.

A parent who is ill or recovering from a surgery is so different than a child. Parents can be one of a few ways. They either don’t listen and get up and start moving around and trying to do things. Ma does this sometimes and then can’t seem to figure out why she is not healing well or why she feels worst. They can become just completely helpless. They can’t seem to do the most basic thing. Ma has done this as well. Like she will call for me to hand her the remote control that is laying next to her. Finally, they can become combative. Uncle R is like this. After heart surgery or new stents he is ready to go home and if they say he has to stay for 6 hours at hour six he starts to yell and get hateful.

I can’t tell you how many times I have had to apologize to hospital workers because he is yelling and being combative. I have told him time and time again that you don’t be mean to the people who may have to save your life. But he is ready to be home and they made the mistake of telling him he could go at a particular time. Now, I tell them before he is back in the room to lie and make the time later than it actually is. That way he is surprised when they say he can go. Ma doesn’t get this way with staff but she does this with me.

What a Day Looks Like

So my days are pretty simple. Most days I am making sure they take their morning medications, get breakfast for them, and ensuring they check things like blood sugar, etc. For Ma I make sure she gets up out of the bed and gets dressed. She won’t if she doesn’t have to anymore. Then it’s time for me to get some work done, make doctor’s appointments, figure out what they will eat that day for dinner. Some nights I make three separate dinners; what I planned and what each of them actually want. I have to call insurance companies and argue for pre authorization sometimes or ask why they are being billed for soemthing.

Earlier this year I spent three days on the phone with the insurance company trying to find out why they paid for one procedure fully but then only parts of the following two procedures that were the exact same as the one they covered fully. It can be a nightmare. I have to call the pharamcy three times a week and ask again why they are charging for one mediation or only refilling a thirty day supply for Uncle R. Then he yells at the pharamcy and I have to call and apologize. Thank God they are a small local pharmacy and know how he is.

Bath time is more than a little difficult. Imagine trying to convince ten two years they need to bathe. That is what this is like. The don’t bath regularly. Uncle R just refuses sometimes until I put my foot down. Ma has thin skin and showers or bathes every other day. She said that daily is to harsh on her skin now. So she will bathe when asked to. Since she doesn’t leave the house much I’m okay with this. This is a pick you battles sort of thing.

Of course there is night time medicine and they slept for five hours in the late afternoon so they aren’t ready for bed while I am. As long as they are in bed they can watch television or whatever. Trust me I know how that sounds and looks but this is the system that works for us. I handle the laundry and answering all of the why is this not working (usually because the batteries are dead or they aren’t pointing at the right things or even that is the remote and not the phone). Also Ma informed me last night that I would not be discussing certain things with the doctor because she is not going to live in a nursing home. She isn’t, I can take care of her and as long as I am physically able she is staying with me.

What About My Siblings

I have three siblings and if you ask them right now today why they don’t help they will tell you they live too far away. That is the basic reason. My sister took cruises to various countries and trips with her boyfriends and then husband all over the place. Yet, we live too far away. Both of brothers get vacations every year, more than one. Yet we live too far away. The truth is “out of sight, out of mind.” They don’t want to deal with it so they don’t. They know I will and they are fine letting that happen. There was a time I was so angry about this. There are times I still am, like when all Ma wants to know is how the rest of them are doing or if I have heard from them when I am the one there day in and day out. Even when my younger sister makes remarks about how old I look compared to her and how great she looks.

Of course I look old. I have stress and chronic illness and a host of other issues. She goes out and lives her life however she chooses, she does what she wants when she wants without a care in the world. Those are the moments when I get the angriest. However, most of the time I am more than okay being the caregiver. It makes Ma and Uncle R’s lives a little easier and while we have are ups and downs it is all good. The good days outweigh the bad.