Essential Self Care Tips for the Overwhelmed Family Caregiver

Family caregiving has a way of becoming part of everything. You aren’t simply helping someone with one task and then going back to your regular day. There are appointments to remember, prescriptions to pick up, meals to think about, phone calls to make, paperwork to handle, and the constant question of whether someone needs something.

Then there are all the ordinary things that didn’t disappear just because you became a caregiver. The laundry still needs washing. Bills still arrive. Dinner still has to happen. Other family members need you. Work has its own demands. The dog certainly hasn’t agreed to become more self-sufficient.

When people talk about caregiver self care, the advice can sometimes feel like one more assignment.

• Take a bubble bath.
• Start meditating.
• Book a weekend away.

That all sounds lovely, but when you’re overwhelmed because you already don’t have enough hours in the day, adding another complicated routine isn’t particularly helpful. Trust me doing those things sounds like an amazing idea but you barely have time to manage a shower. If I am in the shower for more than a few minutes it upsets my mother. She needs to know I am nearby to deal with what she needs. It sounds unfair but that is how it is as she gets older. 

Stop Waiting for a Completely Free Day

Caregivers become very good at putting themselves at the bottom of the list. You’ll make your appointment after the next appointment. I admit I do my best to see the same doctors as my mother and schedule my appointments back to back with hers. Most doctors will let us in the room together and will see me right after her. It just makes things easier. 

You’ll rest when things settle down. You’ll deal with that nagging problem after everyone else is taken care of. The trouble is that caregiving doesn’t provide a convenient finish line. If you are doing it on your own with no outside support then you already know that there will always be another appointment or difficult week.

Instead of waiting for an empty day, look for smaller pieces of time that actually exist. I wake up earlier than the two seniors and sit outside with my coffee and my book for a little while. I read plenty of books while waiting at an appointment. Waking up earlier allows me to take a longer shower. I watch my programs when they nap in the afternoons or after they go to bed. It is not always ideal but sometimes you just have to sneak it when you can. Small breaks aren’t a substitute for real rest when you need it, but they’re much more realistic than waiting three months for the perfect Saturday.

Keep Your Own Appointments

This is one of the easiest things to let slide when you’re managing someone else’s health needs. Like I said I try to schedule our appointments back to back. It helps and reminds me that my own routine appointments aren’t optional. Keep up with your doctor visits, screenings, eye appointments, and general dentistry services just as you would encourage the person you care for to do.

It helps to schedule your own appointments while you’re already in appointment-planning mode instead of waiting until something hurts or becomes urgent. If my mom has a mammogram but I don’t when I schedule her next yearly appointment I go ahead and schedule mine. Even if I have to change it later I get it on the calendar.

Eat Something That Resembles a Meal

Caregiving can do strange things to meals. You make sure everybody else has eaten and then realize at three in the afternoon that you’ve had coffee and half a piece of toast. So regardless of what else has gone on during the day we all have dinner. No excuses. A regular dinner each night. Now, I do admit sometimes it is just sandwiches because it is hot and I am just tired. 

I always make sure the kitchen is stocked with things like sandwich ingredients, yogurt, fruit, cheese, boiled eggs, soup, leftovers, frozen meals, or anything else I can turn into food without beginning a major cooking project. Also some days are just what I call easy days. Every Saturday is an easy day. That is the day I order take out or pick something up. Maybe we pop something simple into the oven or an easy crockpot meal. Maybe it is hotdogs. Anything that takes thirty minutes or less. The only exception is the crockpot.  

Make Sleep Easier Where You Can

“Get eight hours of sleep” is excellent advice for someone whose life allows eight uninterrupted hours of sleep. Caregiving doesn’t always work that way or allow that. The other night I was woken up at 2 am because my mom tried to get herself something to drink and spilled the whole pitcher. I had to clean up everything and mop the floor.

Add in that I have sleep apnea and occasionally insomnia and we have a hot mess. On top of all of that the seniors don’t sleep like normal people anymore. They may stay up until 6am one day and sleep til noon the next. I am not kidding. I have to get right up on them almost to see if their chests are rising up and down. My mom has lung issues and is on oxygen so her chest barely moves. It’s rough some nights. 

I have learned to work with what I can control. Mom likes it cool so I have three fans going on her while my uncle likes it warm so he gets an electric blanket on low. I put the phone in the nightstand drawer so it doesn’t wake anyone but I can still hear in the middle of the night. 

My planner is my best friend. Everything goes in there. Appointments, medication refills, you name it. I used to have a notebook I carried everywhere with me that had all of their medical information. It got too big so now I use my notes app on my phone. One note for each of them filled with current medications, test results, and doctors names. 

Let People Help With Specific Things

“Let me know if you need anything.” That is the worst sentence in the history of sentences to a caregiver. The person saying it means well and some of them actually mean to help if asked. Yet, what do you ask? You’re overwhelmed and unsure if you’re coming or going. If someone genuinely offers help then ask them to do something specific like pick up a grocery order or even just sit with the person you are taking care of for an hour or two. Take that time to nap or get errands done. 

It also helps to remember that assistance doesn’t have to come only from relatives. Depending on a person’s circumstances and location, formal services may be available. A support at home package, for example, may provide eligible people with assistance that reduces some of the day-to-day responsibilities falling on family caregivers. Families should check current eligibility, services, costs, and program requirements with the appropriate provider or government agency rather than assuming every type of help is automatically included. Using available help doesn’t mean you’re doing less for someone. It means you’re not trying to be an entire care system by yourself.

Find One Thing That Is Still Yours

Caregiving will take over your identity before you notice it happening. Every conversation becomes about appointments. Every outing has a purpose. You can’t stay long because the senior doesn’t want to or you are worried what they may say out loud. Every day revolves around what someone else needs. Keep something that belongs to you. Read. I do it every single day even if I have to hide in the bathroom to do it. Garden. Watch terrible television. Meet a friend for lunch. Just do something that is yours alone. 

Lower the Standard on Hard Days

There will be days when you cannot do everything. Days where you feel like you can’t take another step. Something has to give. That is okay. The laundry can wait, dinner is sandwiches, the floors haven’t been swept. The world won’t end. None of that matters in the grand scheme of things. As long as mediation was taken, everyone got fed, everyone was cleaned, and accounted for then you are doing a great job. Your standards don’t have to mean getting every single thing done on your list every single day. Some days life is hard in general and allow yourself the grace you need for those days.